A tired day

Even though i had a somewhat peaceful night until around 2 am.  I woke up with my back hurting and instead of taking a pain pill i got up and came downstairs and got me a sip of water and then i tried to lay down.  I tossed and turned.  finally i knew the pain wasn’t going to go away.  So i gave in and took the pill.  As i laid there waiting for the medication to kick i thought of my life and all that i had endured.  Yes God gave me a miracle that today, tomorrow and past days i am able to once again live life.  No I am not pain free my injuries and yes i have my good and bad days.   But, God granted me what i asked.  I never asked to be totally pain free from my injury/illness.  When i had that one on one with God i ask for days of relief so that i could live life again, so that i could be a servant to him.  I told God i realized that he hadn’t given the world the technology to cure spinal cord injuries and that he hadn’t given the world the knowledge to cure MS.  That wasn’t what i was asking.  I was asking to have more good days then bad, I was asking to be able to stand up and walk, I was asking to not be bedridden and of no use to the world. I didn’t know why he chose to forsake me but his word tells me that it’s not for me to understand things of the world, I am to stand strong in his word and trust in him.

Finally sleep came to me as the medication took the pain away and i slept until 10 am.  I woke up and i didn’t feel rested.  I was sluggish all day long.

The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day so Lexi, hubby and I took several walks around the park and we just basked in God’s beauty of tranquility that is around us. 

One camper pulled out and 2 more campers and van pulled in.  I was sitting outside reading Job.  As i felt God telling me to read Job.  I know the story about Job, but just never really truly studied Job.
As i was reading 2 lady’s walked up and seen that i had my bible in my hand and they asked if they could visit.  I said sure.  I got up and laid my bible in my chair and walked over to the road and introduced myself.  They said they were from SC and that they lived in their motor home.  It was a husband and wife and the wife’s mother.  I told them we too lived and traveled in our home.  We spoke of places we have both traveled and adventures in our lives.   She said they were headed west to Texas.  I told her we were headed south to Florida.  After awhile we finished talking and they left and i picked up my bible and went inside. 

Mental, physical and esp emotionally exhaustion is horrible and i could still feel those effects on me.  Hubby has too as he spent the day from watching tv and taking naps.
Later on hubby and I talked about what we wanted to do.  He asked what i wanted to do and i told him i had no clue and he felt the same.  He asked if i was feeling a direction from God and i told him no.  He said he wasn’t either.  He said he has prayed and asked what our next move should be but God hasn’t answered.

Later right as dusk was setting in I took Lexi for another walk and we walked by the ladies camper that i had spoken to earlier and they had a camp fire going.  They invited me and Lexi to sit and talk.  I stood back a bit from the fire and my asthma do not go together.

The husband Jack spoke to me and he said.  I have watched you walk several times today and i get the feeling you are lost.  I told him i do feel lost.  i feel as if the world is moving on by and i’m stuck with no place to go.   He said, “the wife tells me your going to Florida” I replied yes as soon as our dog gets her staples out.  Jack asked if we were taking I-10 and i said yes.  He said, “there is a corp park by the name of East bank campground on the Seminole Lake.  You need to stop there, it’s beautiful and maybe it will give you time to heal your heart.  I looked at him and he said, “your eyes and face show a women who has had her heart broken.  In time God will heal that heart and when he does you will know the direction you are to go.  Until your heart is healed take time to just enjoy his beauty”.  I didn’t go into details of what had broken my heart and he didn’t ask.  I thanked him and he replied, “ we are all to be obedient servants of our Lord and Savior.  Sometimes God ask us to do his will and not ours and we must obey.  When we do we are blessed.  Someday your will reap the riches in which you have endured.  Just keep doing as my wife said you were when she approached.  Read his word and listen to what he has to say”.  We then discussed traveling and how much they loved it and all the beauty they have been blessed to see.
Finally, it was getting chilly and Lexi was ready to finish her walk and we headed back home.

I got online and looked up the park he was talking about and i asked hubby what he thought about going there and he said why not.  God has not lead of us where he wants us to go next.  We will just take our time and travel as we have no plans until March for a wedding in Florida.  In the 4 yrs we’ve been on the road we have never spent the night in Ga and hubby said, “now then you will be able to add a new state to your map”.

I am still exhausted and it’s about 8.30 pm and now i am saying good night.

Calling one out who is wrong

Yesterday morning i had ask hubby if he could do something God had ask me to do.  He looked at me with that look he gives me he knows he isn’t going to like what I'm going say and says what?  I ask him if he could go back to Leakesville and tears filled his eyes and he got quiet and then he spoke with trembling words and said give me time to answer that.  I then ask him to read my blog which he doesn’t think i should put my life out for the world to see.  That’s his opinion and i respect him.  That is why i don’t post many pictures and much about him.

Yesterday a good friend from maps called me and it was the first time i could talk without tearing up. We talked and they are going through a similar deal with dealing with hurt and pain from a Christian friend. She asked me to tell her what happened and i told her i couldn’t. I didn’t feel it was right to give all the details. That in Romans God’s word says not to judge and so all i could say was Lenny and I were deeply hurt by Rick who is our leader in a Christian Organization that bases it values on building churches and changing lives.


Last night we spent a quiet night at home together.  We spent some time talking and hubby said that God had talked to him yesterday and that he is at peace with what happened.  He left with his integrity in tack.  He never once said a cross word and even when his heart was ripped out by a man he held so much respect for.  When the phone conversation ended hubby ended it with respect.  He is so thankful to God that he was able to do that.  Then hubby asked me to do something for him and i am not sure yet that i am ready for it.  Yes, I have peace with God but i am not sure that i am ready to go back to church.  I have been burned several times now by Christian people.  I know that none of us are perfect and we live in a  world of sin.  I asked hubby to give me time to pray and think.

I slept so peacefully last night and around 5.30 am I woke up and i came downstairs and picked up my bible.  I started reading Galatians.  Then i watched the morning show and there was a man speaking by the name of Ted Williams. He was a homeless man and he quoted parts of scripture that God lead me to read myself during all this heartache. I see the love he has for God as i listened and watched. God is an awesome God and it’s amazing how he leads people and things in our lives. I believe that God meant for me to see this man on TV, to help give me strength.


I’m struggling with weather or not i should have made my thoughts and actions public in my blog.  Did i do what God wanted me to by sending the private e-mail i sent to Rick and Jerry?   Or was it done in anger to spit my venom at them?  It’s one of things that you do at the time because you think it’s right but then after you do you second guess yourself.

Hubby got up and we had plans to meet friends for lunch and so we left and spent time chatting and discussing things that happen in our lives. Then we came home and took Lucy to the vet to get her staples removed.  They are not ready to be removed yet so we rescheduled for next Friday.  Looks like we are sticking around for another week.  We had talked about heading to Florida on Monday but that is on hold now.

After we got back from the vet, Lexi and I took a walk.  When i got back hubby set up the satellite since we are going to be here another week.  He is starting to get board.  While i sat in the sun and re-read Galatians.  I felt that God was telling me not to just read it but study it. 

I studied Galatians  each verse at time and as i read what Paul wrote.  Paul called Peter out because Peter was wrong.  Paul wrote that he did it in front of others.  Galatians says we are to stand firm and not be burdened by the yoke of slavery. We are to live through Spirit and not gratify the sinful nature.  That if a brother is caught in sin he is to be restored gently.  Anyone who received instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.  It says do not be deceived as God can not be mocked a man reaps what he sows. Anyone who sows for the spirit will receive eternal life. We should not become weary in doing good things, because in proper time we reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I know that by writing in my blog and sending the e-mails that i did, that God lead me to do the same.  That is why this controversy got so bad is because from day one when Jim who is in charge of the project behaved in unchristian like conduct not one man called him out.  Instead he was allowed to continue his unlike Christian behavior because every one there felt as Christians we should try to do the right thing and his behavior was ignored.  But after reading what Paul wrote it isn’t the Christian thing to do.

I felt bad by calling Rick and Jerry out over the way they as men of authority handled this situation.  I have to say and i have repented to God as i judged Jerry harshly.  I was lead to believe that Jerry knew what Jim and Rick both did and stood behind them.  I believe Jerry when he said he is sure that another guy had talked to him about Jim Reed before but it must have slipped his mind.  That he would talk to others and i do believe that Jerry will take the right aproach to what he feels God needs him to do.  I also hold responsibility with Rick.  Lenny and i held Rick at a very high standard in our heart and we all are made of flesh and we all are sinners. 

After really studying Galatians this afternoon as i did.  I have found peace with my actions.  I know that they were in fact words from God.  I know from just recently studying Romans that God’s word tells me that  I am a slave to whom i obey.  Weather I am a slave to sin that leads to death or a slave to obedience that leads to righteousness.  So I believe that I had chose to ignore God’s words telling me to do what i did by calling out the wrong and sharing my instructions with my instructor i would of been obedient to sin but instead i chose to be obedient to my Lord and Savior.
 
I am so thankful that God has laid this peace on my heart and I ready to put it all behind me.  God knows that my heart still hurts deep from men of flesh.   But God also reminds me that we are all sinners.  That we are not to judge but we are to love even our enemies as we’d love ourselves.  Yes trust has been broken.  God tells me in his word that i am to trust in him.   I pray to God that he will touch all the hearts of these men. 

Can i trust these men, will i ever trust these 2 men whom i held a high respect for.  I do not know.  I pray that in time God will heal my hurt and that Rick and Jerry can regain my trust.   Only God knows these answers.

I just know that i am ready to move forward and i am not ready to give up on a ministry that God wants me to be apart of.   I love God with all my heart and soul and i want to be a obedient slave.

Today is a beautiful Day

 
  Wow what a few hours of sleep can do when it is peaceful and your soul is filled with God’s love.
The past few days i have been struggling but no more.  I now stand firm in my faith as i have always known it.  My Lord and Savior has embraced me and made me whole again.  No matter what events may take place today, tomorrow or the next day I will stay strong.
I have the love, grace, compassion of my loving father above.  The sun is shining.

We had plans to meet friends this morning.  Hubby and I discussed it and called and canceled.  We are both mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.  He needed time alone in the woods and we are parked in tranquility place.  Only the camp host and 1 other camper other then us are here.  Hubby took his walk and cleared his head and i got some peaceful sleep.

The sun is out and we took a walk around the park and enjoyed God’s beauty. 

Then i got my lawn chair out and sat outside and read God’s word.  Before this all started i had started reading Romans and so that is where i went back to.  My study this afternoon was Romans 8-15.  I’m not going to post it you can go read it yourself and if you do not have a bible you can go to this website .. http://www.biblestudytools.com/  .. type in the version of you choice and the chapter and scripture numbers.

I didn’t get any pictures but the dogs are loving having an entire camp area to their selves.  We let them roam and run free as we walked and their little tails were just wagging.

I’m sure what tonight holds, maybe a trip to Wal-mart or a quiet evening at home.

Rejoice God is an awesome God, Glorify him and hold true to your faith.  Satan has some nasty tools to use against us but if we hold fast in our faith God will bless you.

Opening and Reading God's Word

I am still awake, sleep seems no more. I have not slept in days. God seems to deal with me by laying things on my heart and causing me to lose sleep.
Until all these events took place i used several online tools to help guide me in my devotional times. One is God’s Daily Word. I decided to check my email and there it was right on top and here is what today’s devotion is about ....

The Protection of His Armor
In the message "Dressed For Battle" we considered how we all face an enemy who seeks to engage us in battle each and every day. The attacks are deceptive, but extremely methodical, as the enemy tries to pull, push, and lure us off the path of following after Christ. We then saw how our best defense against such attacks is to get properly dressed by putting on the full armor of God; "so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand" (Ephesians 6:13).
So i picked up my bible and this is what Ephesians 6:13 says
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

I closed my bible and i am not sure if it was pray or just a conversation with God. Because i spoke out loud and said Lord how do i do this?
I went back to my email and it said this
Psalm 27:8
"My heart says of You, 'Seek His face!' Your face, Lord, I will seek."

The armor of God is only available to those who diligently "Seek His face!"; to those who have given Him the totality of their life through a submissive faith in Jesus Christ. The armor of God is not a self-help formula to keep us protected and focused as we advance in the world's system; it's a covering of protection God provides as we enter into His presence and are reminded of His truth, faithfulness, and majesty.
Getting dressed for battle is therefore never a spiritual checklist or routine set of prayers. We receive His armor - in effect, He dresses us - as we humble ourselves and come before Him in prayer with a heart that desires to follow wherever He leads. Our Heavenly Father will never let us enter our daily battles without proper protection if we are diligent in seeking Him;

(Psalm 34:10)
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
I continued to read …

How often should we seek Him? Well, how often do we wish to be naked when the enemy attacks? Getting dressed is not a one-time Salvation event nor even just a first thing in the morning event. We must put on His armor and keep it on throughout our day by developing the priority and habit of constant communion with God; "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). His protection against the enemy comes only as we enter and remain in His presence.
The attacks will surely come, but they need not be feared if we are properly dressed. Let's learn to walk and minister in this world without ever leaving the presence of the Lord. Let's seek Him in all we do and live each moment with the protection of His armor.

Psalm 27:8
8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek
The armor of God is only available to those who diligently "Seek His face!"; to those who have given Him the totality of their life through a submissive faith in Jesus Christ. The armor of God is not a self-help formula to keep us protected and focused as we advance in the world's system; it's a covering of protection God provides as we enter into His presence and are reminded of His truth, faithfulness, and majesty.
Getting dressed for battle is therefore never a spiritual checklist or routine set of prayers. We receive His armor - in effect, He dresses us - as we humble ourselves and come before Him in prayer with a heart that desires to follow wherever He leads. Our Heavenly Father will never let us enter our daily battles without proper protection if we are diligent in seeking Him; "The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing" (Psalm 34:10).

How often should we seek Him? Well, how often do we wish to be naked when the enemy attacks? Getting dressed is not a one-time Salvation event nor even just a first thing in the morning event. We must put on His armor and keep it on throughout our day by developing the priority and habit of constant communion with God; "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

His protection against the enemy comes only as we enter and remain in His presence.
The attacks will surely come, but they need not be feared if we are properly dressed. Let's learn to walk and minister in this world without ever leaving the presence of the Lord. Let's seek Him in all we do and live each moment with the protection of His armor.

After i read this i felt peace and i thought sleep would come but it didn’t instead God spoke to me and said
Pennie you are my child and I will provide you with the armor you need to defeat this battle. You have fought many battles throughout your life and each time you have come out stronger. You threatened to remove wall hangings with my words, yet they still hang there. These were gifts given to by my children to help strengthen you when need them. Go read them one at a time and then pick up my word and let fall where it may. After you have done this get on your knees before me and talk to me.

Here is what the first says …

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I read that and then i sat down and opened my bible to where it may …

Proverbs 3, 1-35

1 My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, 2 for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity. 3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 4 Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. 7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. 8 This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. 9 Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; 10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine. 11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, 12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. 13 Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, 14 for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. 15 She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. 16 Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. 17 Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. 18 She is a tree of life to those who embrace her; those who lay hold of her will be blessed. 19 By wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; 20 by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew. 21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; 22 they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. 23 Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; 24 when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. 25 Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, 26 for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared. 27 Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. 28 Do not say to your neighbor, "Come back later; I'll give it tomorrow"-- when you now have it with you. 29 Do not plot harm against your neighbor, who lives trustfully near you. 30 Do not accuse a man for no reason-- when he has done you no harm. 31 Do not envy a violent man or choose any of his ways, 32 for the LORD detests a perverse man but takes the upright into his confidence. 33 The LORD's curse is on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the home of the righteous. 34 He mocks proud mockers but gives grace to the humble. 35 The wise inherit honor, but fools he holds up to shame.

I then got up and read the next one and it says …
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:1-13

1 Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends. 2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. 3 Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10 I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I did these things and I got on my knees and bowed over my couch and i closed my eyes and prayed. Lord give me the will, strength, courage and armor i need to prevail. I love you with all of my heart and soul. Forgive me for ever doubting your love. Please give me direction in what i am to do next that your will and not mine or anyone else be done.

And as peace came over my soul and joy filled my heart my precious, most wonderful loving God spoke to me and said.

Pennie I did not send you to Leakesville for Rick Dostal or Jim Reed benefit, I sent you there for the need of my children.

The way you left there is not right and I will deal those who caused this turmoil. I still want Lenny and you in Leakesville, it's where I called you. There is a purpose for you. I did not lead you to get close to my adult children and ESP my youth children. Your life experience is needed in that church. A child of mine needs to hear your testimony. Send a e-mail to those whom you are to talk to tomorrow and this what you are to say and stand firm. I feel the e-mail is private and between the parties involved please respect me for this decision.

If you haven’t read my testimony and would like you can find it on my old blog at http://southwindadventures.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-testimony.html

Good night and May God Bless you all

Trusting in the God

I have spent the past 2 days with new friends and even those these friends have been kicked down just as we have and treated in the same manner.  They hold firm in their belief in God. 
Today i received a phone call that i should have not answered, but i did.  Once again i was hurt with venom spewed of untruths.  The spiritual man took the phone and i have no clue what was said as we stopped at a pier just as i needed it.

Hubby stop to talk some men and I kept walking.  I stood on the edge of the pier as i looked into the deep water a voice inside me said “ jump come to me and you will be free of your pain from your so called loving God and his supposedly followers”.  Yet another voice reminded me of another time when i attempted suicide and failed.  The voice said to me “ once you were astray and burden with suffering and pain and attempted to take your life when i was not ready to receive you.  You promised me, yourself and your family you would never do that again.  When i spared your life and you woke up laying in that bed you spewed your anger at me and i embraced you.  I granted you your miracle and i consoled and shielded you from any more pain.  You once again embraced me and that was all you needed.  You searched for your miracle in earthly ways when all you needed to do was to search in me.  You are going through a struggle because you are strong and you were too close in our relationship.  You have held fast before and you can do this again”.  My word tells you that earthly things and worldly men will cause you pain and suffering.  I never promised to shield from enduring these things.  Because on earth good verses Evil but in the end good will win.

I promised to hold you close and keep you safe.  I promised to love you even when there are times you can not love me.  I know deep in your spirit filled heart the love is there.  It has never left you in all that you endured in your life.  You are my child and do what i ask, you love with all of your heart and soul and you are good.  Our enemy is full of venom and sometimes he uses good things to bring my children down.  But as long as you hold fast in my word you will be strong and endure.  My child you are and my arms wrapped around you and this to you will endure.  My will never takes you where my grace can not get you through.  Hold fast my child great things are ahead of you.

About that time hubby walked up and ask what i was thinking.  I didn’t say anything.  Then Randall the spiritual man started to repeat the conversation and i went off.  I wanted to hear none of .. i want no part of their so called God.  Then we went to eat the waitress that we know told me that another dear friend of ours had just left.  Steve my good friend who was suppose to be in Las Vegas was in Gulfport.  How could that be.  I called him and after several attempts i got a hold of him and came to see us.  We introduce Steve to our friends Randall and Janice and Steve said come with me.  I asked how and when he got back and said to me.  Our God told me that i needed to return to Gulfport that a good friend of mine was going to need me.  He said i see the hurt in your eyes and i feel your heart is breaking .. talk to me my friend.  We spoke awhile and he said to me.  Listen to what our God is telling you.  If you pick up his word and let it open where it may and if you only read 2 words do it.  If you do this you will get through this.  This is not going to be a easy battle.  Unfortunately our enemy uses the things closet to us against us.  You may not go back to the RV Ministry but you will go back to God’s ministry because God still has a purpose for you.   I have seen first hand how God has filled you with his spirit.  Even those who do not know you know that you are filled with God’s spirit.  As you know i do not easily accept and get close to others but the first time i saw you in the RV Park, I knew God had sent you to me and that you were godly person.

I couldn’t sleep again tonight and so i got online and i read 2 comments and I knew God sent these to me.  So i sat and thought of all that had happened today and I picked up my bible and i did what Steve said.  I would read a few words and then close it.  I tried to pray but i couldn’t.  I picked up his words again and was able to read a bit more.  Here is what i have been able to read tonight.

Psalm 42:9-10
9 I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" 10 My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

Psalm 55: 1-23
1 Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; 2 hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught 3 at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. 4 My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. 5 Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. 6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-- 7 I would flee far away and stay in the desert; "Selah" 8 I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm." 9 Confuse the wicked, O Lord, confound their speech, for I see violence and strife in the city. 10 Day and night they prowl about on its walls; malice and abuse are within it. 11 Destructive forces are at work in the city; threats and lies never leave its streets. 12 If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. 13 But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, 14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God. 15 Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the grave, for evil finds lodging among them. 16 But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. 17 Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. 18 He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. 19 God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them-- "Selah" men who never change their ways and have no fear of God. 20 My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant. 21 His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords. 22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. 23 But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you

Psalms 109
1 O God, whom I praise, do not remain silent, 2 for wicked and deceitful men have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues. 3 With words of hatred they surround me; they attack me without cause. 4 In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer. 5 They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship. 6 Appoint an evil man to oppose him; let an accuser stand at his right hand. 7 When he is tried, let him be found guilty, and may his prayers condemn him. 8 May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership. 9 May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow. 10 May his children be wandering beggars; may they be driven from their ruined homes. 11 May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor. 12 May no one extend kindness to him or take pity on his fatherless children. 13 May his descendants be cut off, their names blotted out from the next generation. 14 May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the LORD; may the sin of his mother never be blotted out. 15 May their sins always remain before the LORD, that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth. 16 For he never thought of doing a kindness, but hounded to death the poor and the needy and the brokenhearted. 17 He loved to pronounce a curse-- may it come on him; he found no pleasure in blessing-- may it be far from him. 18 He wore cursing as his garment; it entered into his body like water, into his bones like oil. 19 May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, like a belt tied forever around him. 20 May this be the LORD's payment to my accusers, to those who speak evil of me. 21 But you, O Sovereign LORD, deal well with me for your name's sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me. 22 For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me. 23 I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust. 24 My knees give way from fasting; my body is thin and gaunt. 25 I am an object of scorn to my accusers; when they see me, they shake their heads. 26 Help me, O LORD my God; save me in accordance with your love. 27 Let them know that it is your hand, that you, O LORD, have done it. 28 They may curse, but you will bless; when they attack they will be put to shame, but your servant will rejoice. 29 My accusers will be clothed with disgrace and wrapped in shame as in a cloak. 30 With my mouth I will greatly extol the LORD; in the great throng I will praise him. 31 For he stands at the right hand of the needy one, to save his life from those who condemn him.

I still do not know what events are going to take place.  I still can not pray.  I am thankful that i can pick up his word and read a little bit.  I’d appreciate it if you all would continue to pray for me as i struggle this battle inside of me.

Is there really a loving God?

I thought God had lead me to serve in the Assembly of God ministry, I thought Rick
and Jerry were men of God .. How could i have been so wrong for such organization to condone and stand up for their so called Christian Missionary  man that does not even behave like the bible says his children should. 

The God they supposedly serve word spells out how Christians should behave but when you have men of authority condoning conduct that God’s word says we shouldn't .. how do i follow or love their God? How do I read their God's word? How can i pray, how can i read God’s word when men of leadership at a National level do not even follow what their God says we should do? Have i been a fool all these year to follow God?


Right now i can not read my bible but i am reading a book written by Chrystal Hansen titled "God can you Love me even when i can't love you .. i re started this book from the beginning.  When i bought this book after hearing her speak the reason i thought i purchased this book was for my son to read.  Some how i never did get around to giving the book to my son.


In this book Chrystal post the bible verse Psalms 55:1-7 .. 1 Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; 2 hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught 3 at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. 4 My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. 5 Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.


I read this scripture in her book, yet I find that i can not pray this ... I find that i am questioning how much good it would do to even attempt ... when such venom comes from so called Godly Christians a voice inside me says ... you were fooled once, you open your heart and gave your soul to follow a supposedly loving God ... Yet your heart still bears the pain of the rod that was ran through your heart by those supposedly loving God children whom claim to be holy and fill with his spirit. Once your heart was hardened and you never felt pain. My venom spills from their lips and as you recall before you gave your heart and soul to your supposedly loving god you never felt pain. 

We have moved

We have moved to Big Biloxi campground and right now i need some time to myself.  Events occurred today and i have been devastated.  I am struggling to hang onto my faith.  Right now i am struggling with a battle .  Right now i can’t love God or his so call Christian followers.  I am not sure that i ever will be able to again.  I am not sure i ever will be able to step foot into another church again.  I have tried to pray and I can’t, I have tried to read my bible and I can’t.  I have a voice inside my head telling me what a fool i have been to follow Christians so called God.  I feel as if i have been stabbed me in the heart.  So please bear with me and give me time.

Hopefully i can post soon