Yesterday morning i had ask hubby if he could do something God had ask me to do. He looked at me with that look he gives me he knows he isn’t going to like what I'm going say and says what? I ask him if he could go back to Leakesville and tears filled his eyes and he got quiet and then he spoke with trembling words and said give me time to answer that. I then ask him to read my blog which he doesn’t think i should put my life out for the world to see. That’s his opinion and i respect him. That is why i don’t post many pictures and much about him.
Yesterday a good friend from maps called me and it was the first time i could talk without tearing up. We talked and they are going through a similar deal with dealing with hurt and pain from a Christian friend. She asked me to tell her what happened and i told her i couldn’t. I didn’t feel it was right to give all the details. That in Romans God’s word says not to judge and so all i could say was Lenny and I were deeply hurt by Rick who is our leader in a Christian Organization that bases it values on building churches and changing lives.
Last night we spent a quiet night at home together. We spent some time talking and hubby said that God had talked to him yesterday and that he is at peace with what happened. He left with his integrity in tack. He never once said a cross word and even when his heart was ripped out by a man he held so much respect for. When the phone conversation ended hubby ended it with respect. He is so thankful to God that he was able to do that. Then hubby asked me to do something for him and i am not sure yet that i am ready for it. Yes, I have peace with God but i am not sure that i am ready to go back to church. I have been burned several times now by Christian people. I know that none of us are perfect and we live in a world of sin. I asked hubby to give me time to pray and think.
I slept so peacefully last night and around 5.30 am I woke up and i came downstairs and picked up my bible. I started reading Galatians. Then i watched the morning show and there was a man speaking by the name of Ted Williams. He was a homeless man and he quoted parts of scripture that God lead me to read myself during all this heartache. I see the love he has for God as i listened and watched. God is an awesome God and it’s amazing how he leads people and things in our lives. I believe that God meant for me to see this man on TV, to help give me strength.
I’m struggling with weather or not i should have made my thoughts and actions public in my blog. Did i do what God wanted me to by sending the private e-mail i sent to Rick and Jerry? Or was it done in anger to spit my venom at them? It’s one of things that you do at the time because you think it’s right but then after you do you second guess yourself.
Hubby got up and we had plans to meet friends for lunch and so we left and spent time chatting and discussing things that happen in our lives. Then we came home and took Lucy to the vet to get her staples removed. They are not ready to be removed yet so we rescheduled for next Friday. Looks like we are sticking around for another week. We had talked about heading to Florida on Monday but that is on hold now.
After we got back from the vet, Lexi and I took a walk. When i got back hubby set up the satellite since we are going to be here another week. He is starting to get board. While i sat in the sun and re-read Galatians. I felt that God was telling me not to just read it but study it.
I studied Galatians each verse at time and as i read what Paul wrote. Paul called Peter out because Peter was wrong. Paul wrote that he did it in front of others. Galatians says we are to stand firm and not be burdened by the yoke of slavery. We are to live through Spirit and not gratify the sinful nature. That if a brother is caught in sin he is to be restored gently. Anyone who received instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. It says do not be deceived as God can not be mocked a man reaps what he sows. Anyone who sows for the spirit will receive eternal life. We should not become weary in doing good things, because in proper time we reap a harvest if we do not give up.
I know that by writing in my blog and sending the e-mails that i did, that God lead me to do the same. That is why this controversy got so bad is because from day one when Jim who is in charge of the project behaved in unchristian like conduct not one man called him out. Instead he was allowed to continue his unlike Christian behavior because every one there felt as Christians we should try to do the right thing and his behavior was ignored. But after reading what Paul wrote it isn’t the Christian thing to do.
I felt bad by calling Rick and Jerry out over the way they as men of authority handled this situation. I have to say and i have repented to God as i judged Jerry harshly. I was lead to believe that Jerry knew what Jim and Rick both did and stood behind them. I believe Jerry when he said he is sure that another guy had talked to him about Jim Reed before but it must have slipped his mind. That he would talk to others and i do believe that Jerry will take the right aproach to what he feels God needs him to do. I also hold responsibility with Rick. Lenny and i held Rick at a very high standard in our heart and we all are made of flesh and we all are sinners.
After really studying Galatians this afternoon as i did. I have found peace with my actions. I know that they were in fact words from God. I know from just recently studying Romans that God’s word tells me that I am a slave to whom i obey. Weather I am a slave to sin that leads to death or a slave to obedience that leads to righteousness. So I believe that I had chose to ignore God’s words telling me to do what i did by calling out the wrong and sharing my instructions with my instructor i would of been obedient to sin but instead i chose to be obedient to my Lord and Savior.
I am so thankful that God has laid this peace on my heart and I ready to put it all behind me. God knows that my heart still hurts deep from men of flesh. But God also reminds me that we are all sinners. That we are not to judge but we are to love even our enemies as we’d love ourselves. Yes trust has been broken. God tells me in his word that i am to trust in him. I pray to God that he will touch all the hearts of these men.
Can i trust these men, will i ever trust these 2 men whom i held a high respect for. I do not know. I pray that in time God will heal my hurt and that Rick and Jerry can regain my trust. Only God knows these answers.
I just know that i am ready to move forward and i am not ready to give up on a ministry that God wants me to be apart of. I love God with all my heart and soul and i want to be a obedient slave.
Happy Summer!!
Wherever Home is Parked?
