Happy Summer!!

Happy Summer!!

Wherever Home is Parked?

Wherever Home is Parked?

Sunday, April 1, 2012

am i selfish?

West Point Holiday Campground, Lagrange, GA

We woke to a beautiful day, although my mood wasn’t the best.  I moped around this morning thinking about all that my family is enduring.  How hectic their lives are now.  On Saturday my family was split, my sisters Charlotte and Debbie were with my sister Rosemary and her family at one hospital while my other sisters Rosie, Patty and brothers Ronnie, Larry and Jimmy were with my dad at another hospital.  What a horrible time it had to been for them.  Keeping in touch by phone how each other was doing. 

I have some guilt going on inside of me as i wasn’t there for either one and was kept informed by phone what was happening.  Before my full time life i would of been there for my family.  But as i have been thinking about, what more could i have done then what i did here in GA.  I prayed for God’s will to be done.  I couldn’t have done anymore if i had been at the hospital.

I’ve spent a lot of time sitting outside today praying and thinking about what is going on in my family right now.  My sister Rosemary turned 58 on Friday March 30,  Rosemary had throat cancer over 10 years ago and she gave a long hard battle to beat the cancer.  Yet, due to all the Chemo and Radiation she struggled with the scar tissue it left behind.  Rosemary had horrible issues with regurgitation which then caused her to get pneumonia.  Recently she was hospitalized again for pneumonia and bowel obstruction.  She was able to have surgery for the bowel obstruction.  This time around the double pneumonia was more then she could fight.  Her kidneys shut down and she had to be put onto life support for her breathing.  On Saturday March 31, Rosemary left this earth. I pray she knew Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and that as i write this she is embracing her son Billy who was very sick all his life.  Billy fought a long hard battle but died at a young age.  I am thankful that i did not have see my sister Rosemary suffer in her last days.  I do not have those memories of her.  Instead I have good memories of her.

My dad is is still in the hospital.  Dad was operated on for the 2nd time in December for bladder cancer.  A year ago December his first operation he was given the green light all the caner was gone.  This past December he had surgery again for bladder cancer.  This time the cancer was a different cancer and the aggressive kind and even though he had surgery the cancer is still there.  The cancer has moved into his lymph notes and due to a bad and very week heart, Radiation and Chemo are not an option for him.  My dad decided he didn’t want to know how bad the cancer was and so no more test will be run.  My dad is ready to pass from this earth to heaven to see his baby boy he only got to have for a month, be with his daughter Bobby Jo and both the women he loved the most and many others that he loved and lost in his lifetime.

I worked with hospice before retiring so I was use to death. I knew that if my patients were born again Christians they were rejoicing as they joined Jesus Christ in heaven which is a glorious place.  Their suffering was over.  I prayed for those whom never proclaimed Christ.  Those patients death did bother me, but Jesus gave me peace that i did all that i could to make the end of their lives as peaceable as i could. 

Our family has suffered many deaths through the years but the death of my sister Bobby Jo was traumatic for me.  Bobby Jo died a few days before her 37 birthday.  We buried her the day before her Birthday.  It changed things in me.  I watched my sister suffer with a horrible disease.  She had cirrhosis of the liver.  I watched her suffer day after day, I watcher her lay in a hospital bed hooked up to machines that were keeping her alive.  I watched her mom struggle to make the decision to let her go.  I watched my dad grieve for his daughter.  I watched as my dad struggled through bury another child.  I was able to hold it together but after the funeral and i had time by myself, it ate on me at what i endured.  I have good memories of my sister Bobby Jo but sadly the memory that haunts me the most is watching my sister lay in that bed alive only by a machine. 

I also have another memory that haunts me and that is my uncle Dean who was my daddy my first 6 yrs of life.  Even though i found out that Dean really wasn’t my dad in my heart he was and always will be a daddy to me.  When he died i went to his funeral and that day is a memory i wish i never had.  If i could go back and change things i wouldn’t of went.  Because the memories i have when i was a girl and even after i found out he wasn’t my real daddy are wonderful memories.  I was always his little girl. 

My step mom .. Momma Viv passed away unexpectedly of a massive heart attack.  My mom suffered many years with health issues and many times the family was called in, mom would pull through.  I wasn’t there the last year my mom was sick. I talked to my mom on the phone and we had already said our good byes before she left this earth.  In fact i spoke with Momma Viv just days before she passed away.  She knew i loved her.  When my mom and momma Viv both died i was thousands of miles away and couldn’t get back home.    I felt guilty about it in the beginning but then God gave me comfort and I believe that God created the circumstances that prevented me from attending both of those services.  I do not have the memories that my family does of how sick my mom was.  I do not have the memories of seeing either mom or momma Viv laying in their caskets. 

I have been to both graves several times.   When i go visit their graves i do not have those horrible memories and this may be selfish but  I am so thankful that i do not have those memories to haunt me.  I have wonderful memories of both and for me it has been easier in their passing.   I have also been to Bobby Jo and Dean’s graves and every time i go the memory that comes to me for Bobby is seeing her laying in that bed, suffering from a horrible disease.  Uncle Dean is laying in that casket, i can still feel how cold his body was when i bent over and kissed him goodbye.  I don’t have those memories with mom and momma viv.  I do not want those memories from my sister Rosemary or my dad. 

Due to uncontrollable circumstances I will not be arriving home in time to attend my sister’s services on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I will be praying for my family and i ask you to do the same.  My dad issues do not appear to be a life or death situation right now.  Just lots of pain.  They believe he has a bowel blockage and the last update i had was that his bowels were coming out in his bladder bag which they shouldn’t be doing.

Some people need a funeral and they need to see the body of their loved ones in order to let them go.  I have found that for me that is no longer the case.  I have requested when i die that i be cremated and i want no services.  My immediate family will be allowed to view my body if they wish to do so before i am cremated.  I do not want my families last memories of me seeing me dead.  I want to be remember for my love to laugh.  I want to them to rejoice that i am no longer on earth but in heaven with my heavenly father rejoicing. 

I am having conflicting feeling and thoughts.  When we started our journey back to the North i was excited about seeing family and friends.  Now i have these dreading emotions inside of me.  My mind says i need to return home but my heart is saying .. Do i really want to return home to see my dad sick and suffering.  Or do i want to stay away and remember his better days?  Is it fair to my family that i stay away and chose not see my dad and help  with the responsibility of taking care of him?  Although with my own disability there isn’t much i can do other then go see him at the hospital or at home.  Am i being selfish and thinking only of myself? 


Dinner tonight was another great grilled meal.  BBQ pork steaks and grilled tators. 


We had some left over wood and so we decided it was a good night for a fire.  Hubby knew i needed something to cheer me up and he got the fire going, dug out the roasting stick and we had roasted marshmallows and they were yummy.  Yes bad for the diet but very yummy and just what i needed.  We sat around the fire and talked. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and is always there when i need him the most.  Thanks honey I Love YOU!   It was a good ending to a somber day.