Happy Summer!!

Happy Summer!!

Wherever Home is Parked?

Wherever Home is Parked?

Friday, April 27, 2012

Ughhh i’m down in the back!

I was up early as my back hadn’t really let up all night long and i didn’t want to take any pain medication as i knew we had plans for the day.  When I'm in pain sleep is almost none existing for me. It’s so cold outside!!  We didn’t leave as early as we had planned because i was moving very slowly.  We haven’t seen hubby’s mom since we have returned and that is top on our to do list.  I have a wonderful mother in law .. she really isn’t a mother in law but more like a mother to me.  We had a wonderful visit and she sent us home with fresh eggs (yesss) and 2 more jars of her wonderful salsa that she makes.  Thanks mom you have a very happy daughter.  We had a great visit and we spent several hours catching up.  Then it was time to head to pick up our Grand daughter Hailey.  She got out of school early :)) 


Of course a needed trip to Wal-mart was on our way home.  Hailey got a new barbie and batting gloves.  Tuesday night is her first ever Softball game.  We will not be going to watch her as it’s a away game and too far for us to drive.  We will be watching her Saturday and YES we are so excited. 


It’s still pretty cold outside but Hailey and Papa practiced playing ball.  Grandma watched and cheered and of course had to get pictures.  Hailey is a bit afraid of the ball but it wasn’t long and Papa had her getting under it and catching it.  She does grounders really good.


Batting went pretty well too.  Grandma had to sit in her lounger on a heating pad and watch as the back and leg is still screaming with pain. 


We had planned to have a fire and roast hot dogs and smores but it was just too cold for Grandma.  Grandma had to finally escape to the warmth of a cozy home.  The rest of the evening was spent snuggling up and watching the Disney movie Tangled. 

Of course I am up writing this post at 2.45 AM as i had to finally give in and take some pain medication for my back and leg.  The pain has finally reached the unbearable point.  thankfully we do not have any plans but to enjoy spending time with our grand daughter.  Grandma is probably going to just watch from the side lines.  Now if the pain med’s and sleeping aides would just kick in so i could get some rest.

Next year we are really going to have rethink our plans of not returning home until June.  We leave to escape the cold because of my health issues and returning to soon in the spring just takes me backwards.  I have no desire to return to my previous state where i was confined to a bed for over 10 years.  I do not want to be back in a wheel chair.  The desire to return home and see family and friends is so strong in the spring but were just going to have to fight it and not return until we know the weather is going to be tolerable for my disability.  Right now i would give anything to be back in the warmth of Florida.  Pain is such a debilitating horrible disease and it can take complete control of your life if you let it and i have sworn that i will never do that again.  I will never let my pain get the best of me where i try to commit suicide again.  I will never let it take control of my life where I'm stuck in bed and so depressed.  Our home has wheels on it and that is why we chose this lifestyle was so that i could get control of my life again.  The stress and desire to be home because of the passing of my sister and my dad’s health played a big part in our returning home so soon.  I am going to have to do a better job of fighting the guilt of being so far away when these type of crisis occur.  I think about if my dad was to get sick again and even though i am home now what good am i? I’m miserable and in severe pain, there is no way i could contribute to taking care of him with my own health issue right now.  My health issues have not changed and the doctors are correct.  If i want control of my life then i am going to accept and adjust that i just can not be in cold weather.  No matter how strong my desire to be home with family and friends, be there when some gets sick or passes.  It’s just not good for me.  I have to be careful taking pain medications due to the complications of my liver.  They are not good for me in many ways.  Does anyone else fight a debilitating disease that cause you to have to be away from family and friends?  Do you fight the guilt of feeling like your not there for you family when they need you?

Okay enough of this for now .. i’m going to see if i can get some sleep it’s after 3 AM.